Episode 15 My recent journey of self-discovery, refining my purpose and living my dharma

Wow what a whirlwind of a four months!
I've delved deep into human design, shadow work, astrology, and archetypes.

App mentioned 
https://www.myhumandesignapp.com/
https://chaninicholas.com/chani-app/

Shadow work book
https://www.amazon.com/Shadow-Work-Hidden-Trauma-Awaken/dp/1454946474

Archetypes 
https://www.amazon.com/Sacred-Contracts-Caroline-Myss-audiobook/dp/B00006393S/ref=sr_1_1?crid=12DMPGYKLE5XE&keywords=sacred+contracts&qid=1667175544&qu=eyJxc2MiOiIyLjI3IiwicXNhIjoiMS42MyIsInFzcCI6IjEuODgifQ%3D%3D&s=books&sprefix=sacred+contract%2Cstripbooks-intl-ship%2C268&sr=1-1

Special mention for Diane. Her Instagram is @voiceofthesacred.
I spent two hours when I first found her reading every single one of her posts and making notes. 

Transcript

chloe graham: 0:00

Oh, it has been a while my friends but I am back and I am here I think this is episode 14 Don't quote me on that Okay, welcome my love's thank you so much for being here again sending you a massive frickin hug. And I love you to bits you mean so much to me every single one of you. So thank you. Today I actually want to talk about where I've been for the last couple of months behind the scenes, a bit longer than that were when I was still podcasting, but it's all about finding our why our purpose and a big deep dive into self discovery that I've been on. So I'm gonna go right back to the beginning and keep it chronological for you logical minded people like me, and I hate stories that jump all over the place. So when I grew up, I didn't have any sort of self refract reflection, asking myself questions or anything like that, when it came to who am I? What do I want? What's my purpose? What is life all about? We didn't have those conversations at home, around the dinner table or anything. And I didn't have any sort of spiritual guidance growing up. I was taken to church a few times, maybe for baptisms, or Christmas, maybe Easter a few times, that's about it. But it just seemed something that I didn't really like when I was there. It was uncomfortable in the church, those pews, there was an old man standing in front talking to you, and everything's about perception. And the way I took that was all of the things that I was doing wrong, ie being a sinner, and not surrendering, and being in the service of God, that really went against my thoughts at the time, the very few that I had, it was all sort of, what can I get? I want life to be amazing. What can I take as in scarcity mindset, as well, but I didn't understand any of those terms. When I was little. It was just like, nope, nope, they're telling me, I can't live my life for myself, I've got to dedicate it to someone else. I've got to be a servant. And that is not what I want. And then I kind of didn't really address it again for a long time. So I'm been pretty dedicated kid. So my thoughts were taken up by homework, three musical instruments, loads of hobbies. That's all on the, you know, there was no space for spirituality. There was more sort of, I don't know, embarrassment, going through puberty, first kiss all of that stuff. Nothing else really came out of that. Then I finished school. And this was the first time I experienced true emptiness. With no goals. No one telling me I had an exam to study for whether it's schoolwork, musical instrument no hobby has to go to. And I was completely lost. i Yes, I believe that there's a message in everything that I didn't plan my gap year or only however you want to call it well, and there was a lot of empty space. And instead of sort of growing into it, I fell apart. That was when my weight problem began. This huge gulf of time with nothing to do not understanding why I was so depressed and miserable all the time. The emotional eating began. And I didn't really think anything of it. I just thought I'm bored. That's it. And but I had no idea of like, what would make me happy. How do I find what makes me happy? or anything like that. So it was just a big hole of beer. Then I went to uni and again, it was just taken over by partying, drinking and uni work. Again, didn't really sort of think is this the right thing for me. I did a BA in geography. And I never really thought I would be able to change topics. I morphed it into sort of what I liked a little bit like are obsessed with Russia and the geography the people there It was just fascinating, but wasn't ever sort of a real Yes, passionate desire, it was okay of a bad situation. And then I decided from when I was really little that I was going to be a pilot, just like my dad third generation. And that was kind of a done deal. I never let myself be open minded. I never let myself venture off far apart from a brief time where I thought about law. But it was almost like it was a shameful and embarrassing thing to want to change course, in what I wanted to do with my life, and there was no conversations around. Yeah, you could do that. Maybe let's see what sort of suits you the best on in terms of what are you passionate about what would suit you. And then I started flying, even though I was petrified, flying, absolutely petrified, hated being a passenger. Heart rate through the roof nervous system in complete fight or flight mode the whole time I was flying, but because I told myself, that's what I wanted to do. I'd do it and I'd get up in a little plane. And it was nothing to do with my skills as a pilot. Don't get me wrong. You'll brag I was good pilot, like really good pilot hand eye coordination, mental model. Situational awareness. It was all there. And I was really good at it. But did I like it? No, I hated it. I hated the thought of someone crashing into me or the wings snapping off randomly. And I just bullied myself into doing it. Because I'd been telling myself I was going to be a pilot from when I was 14 years old. And I was now 21. And the first time I got in a plane. And there was never anything in my mind that would say, oh, maybe this isn't for you, Chloe, maybe this scaring the hell out of yourself every day isn't the right career for you. Maybe law might have been more interesting. Maybe something else completely entirely completely. It was just this dog ID, I will bully myself until I do this. Anything else is complete abject failure, embarrassment and shame. So I carried on and I carried on. Got a job moved had bases all around the UK before I moved to New Zealand. And then I just got more and more depressed, I'd go to work, do my job. But my general mindset and understanding who I was why I was thinking the way I was, I just confirmed all of these negative spiral thoughts. And they got worse and worse and worse, my binge eating, turned into believe amok and isolated myself from everyone. And I never had the thought to even think well, what are you meant to do? Maybe there's nothing wrong with you. Maybe it's just your life situation. But you as your core are a beautiful, happy human being who can have a life filled with fulfilment. And it didn't really start until I started working with psychologists and mindset coaches. I tried in 2018 to start a business because I had seen the drastic changes in myself of how much psychology and mindset work can change you for the better make you feel better. But I didn't have the resilience training. I was too early on in my journey. So that failed. And as we can do with diets or any failures, the rebound is really slow. Like you try a diet and then you fall off for six months, I tried to start a business and I was almost ashamed to even think that I tried four year and a half at least. And then I started circling back to it again as I wanted to improve my personal development up level again, and then COVID happen. And as a pilot, I lost my salary the world shut down. And this reason for staying in flying of having a secure salary evaporated overnight. This finally gave me the chance to go okay, what is Plan B. And I still tried to get into other airlines around the world, the ones that were still surviving despite COVID And there was one in Japan that I was studying like mad for. And again, I thought a location change might be what I need, you know, I'd moved from the UK and moved to New Zealand and I thought right maybe being able to do two weeks on two weeks off in Japan and then I could travel the world and the other two weeks could be what I needed. I seem to those are the seeds of this incredible need for freedom that I'm realising more and more and then that that shut down as well. So I thought hell, I really need another career that's not flying as a backup, and then maybe be able to do that instead, once it's up and running. So I did go on this gorgeous deep dive, it was all very much a logical search based on skills that I had. And really, it took the blinkers off my eyes of how much is available to us at any age that doesn't require a five year degree or a three year degree or anything. There are so many jobs now, the ones I looked at worse a business analyst or UX UI design, because you can train really fast in those because the material is changing so fast, if you did agree, it would be out of date by the time you started, and it's all about on the job experience. So I will, I won't say a wasted but I did spend the majority of 2020. So searching those trying courses on Coursera, edX udimi, brilliant resource for trying things started a graphic design course. There were incredible ones you can do through Harvard or anything else. Like if you're going to have a think about a career change, go there and try short courses. They are brilliant and done by the world's thought leaders and educational leaders. I'm just so exhilarated to be living in a time where that's possible. But anyway, back to how I then moved from there into where I am now. Beginning of 2022. There was no denying that actually life coaching mindset coaching was my passion. Personal Development had taken me by storm. And yes, I had failures and tried to hide away from it. It was the thing that gave me life is the thing that made me absolutely fascinated by a book can't put it down. Don't get me wrong, I love novels as well, like, wow. Pilgrim is my favourite book has sidenote absolutely adored that one. But personal development seem to be my thing. And this passion just grew and grew and grew and grew. And it was a pretty standard route of what I learned and how I learned and I seem to be really good at discussing with people, their limiting beliefs, and reframing situations, finding the beginning of the pattern in their childhood of how they thought behaviour, thought, emotion behaviour within a situation. That was my foundation, and what I found to be really, really good at, and I built on that until this year. And I feel like as an entrepreneur, and as a mindset coach, if you're in this world, you go through multiple deaths and rebirths of who you are in that's ever going searched to find your dharma or purpose. And it kind of exploded in the last few months when I found at the same time, human design, Shadow Work, astrology, archetypes, and the jinkies. Those five I found all at once, and they turned my world upside down in the most beautiful way. We can go from thinking why am I like this, I don't understand what I'm meant to do. And we can't put ourselves into words. And then these things will help you know, end like they just have been the most incredible resources. Starting with astrology, I, I used to read those descriptions in the gossip magazines and stuff and think What a load of crap, this can be relevant to anyone. It was sort of, you know, Scorpios, you've got this coming up this month. And I just thought that's woowoo nonsense, I'm not interested at all. And I left it until four months ago. And then if you go properly into it, like you type in your birth date, time to the minute location and get your birth chart and delve into all of the positions of the houses, the planets, your sun, moon rising, and how that relates to your purpose. Like you've got months and years of information there and some of the stuff just gives me chills, how accurate it is, how I'm able to use it to uncover an aspect of myself that I wasn't utilising enough or that I was hiding from myself hiding from others, and how to transcend that lesson that Life and karma and everything has given me into my gift. There was within the gene keys as well, there was a lot for me on impatience to patience, and complexity to simplicity. And that have been my guiding principles as I build a business with one of the moving parts of sales and marketing and a networking and skill set increase and all of the impostor syndrome, limiting beliefs, these are now my signposts along the way that you can keep coming back to human design. Again, Nether Wow, just wow, wow, wow, when it comes to all I had no idea I was like that. But it makes sense. Now, it's like someone takes off these foggy glasses. And you can see yourself clearly for the first time. I told a client, maybe three months ago what her life theme was. And it took her breath away. And I think she started crying. And she's like, I've never been able to put words to that before, you've just explained me so succinctly. I can't believe that. And the best thing again, technology today is there are a couple of apps that you can keep it simple for yourself, do a deep dive, really go on this self exploration journey. The first one out mentioned is my human design. And in that, it's tells me that I'm a manifesting generator, which explains my multi passionate nature, which made me feel so accepted, explained. and peaceful. Because I knew that I wasn't doing anything wrong compared to other people who seem to be able to stick to one thing forever. It introduced me to my emotional intuition as a guiding star. And the fact that I had to ride out the wave before I made decisions or anything like that, and wait till I was back into a space of neutrality. I mean, that's good for everyone. But it's especially important for people with emotional authority. And my four, six, the Regal authority figure, which makes so much sense the four the outward is the sorry, how I see myself is the people person. And the sick is how the six is the way other people see me, and I'm a six, which is a wise sage. And it's about sharing my wisdom as I go on these deep dives as a Scorpio who loves the depth loves the underworld, which makes sense why I like shadow work, and I found that it has been the most incredible journey with these five. I haven't talked about archetypes. I'll talk about archetypes quickly. So when we want to think about ourselves, we think we have calm, clear days, and then we just turn into a crazy, psycho. stuff goes wrong. But archetypes are so beautiful. And they explain so much of why we have these different moods if you would say, and it connects heavily to Dr. Richard Swartz ifs no bad parts book and theory ifs theory internal family systems. And I adore the pairing of the two was the archetypes mean there I like to call it we have 12 Nights around the roundtable, we all have four that are the same, which is the victim, the inner child, the saboteur and the prostitute, prostitute is not what you think it is. It's about selling ourselves out not appreciating art, appreciating our worth, or not meeting our own needs. But then you get eight other characters that will come over you and they are the most incredibly grounding, things to work out for yourself. And Caroline Miss has a list on her website of how you can potentially sort through what yours are. And so when you're acting in one way, and you want to put all your snuggling clothes on, you're in one persona and when you want to put on the most sexy thing you have in your wardrobe. That is you in a different archetype that is you in your Vixen, you're sexy, I can't remember the name of them, but there's it just allows you to go right I'm transitioning through my archetypes. Now there can be ones that hold us back and they're there as protections, and that's when the saboteur can come in. So if you're not letting your rebel nature come out, and there's no freedom, there's no excitement in your life. Good Good luck trying to stay on a diet. This is a theory of mind. But if you can't stay on a diet, and this sort of rebel thoughts come into your mind, like, oh, just eat the chocolate or anything like that, and then you go off the diet or have the glass of wine, instead could be your saboteur archetype. That is saying, You're not rebelling anywhere in life, we cannot take one more iota of control. And if you could try and control what you're eating, we're gonna sabotage the heck out of you. And if you could think of it, they take over your seat on the throne. They're there to give you advice. They're there to guide you. But if you don't listen to them, they'll jump up on the table, push you off your throne, sit on the throne, and cause complete havoc in your life. So I don't know if I've just confused the heck out of you. But what I've done over the last three or four months is really gone on this self discovery of like, How can I live aligned with my true essence, my dharma, and how am I best going to serve myself and serve other people as a healer, a coach, a mentor, and a guide. And I can say, without doubt that these four months have been the most incredible life changing rebirth. And right now, it's still happening. I'm a Scorpio, it's a Scorpio clips today that I'm recording it on. And I've been told that I need to, it's like a soul cleansing. And I need to make space for everything to come in from the universe as my guide, I've got to not create not manifest not trying control, push, or anything, especially in this period in the next three weeks or so. And I've been making a huge effort to put my phone down, lower the amount of information that I take in because I normally read all day long, whether it or watch training videos, and try and figure out what workshop I'm going to create next for you. It's this in flux, I feel like I'm drinking out of a powerhouse or trying to. And that's one of my lessons that I'm working through. It's like, I adore it, I'm addicted to it. But it also gives me a massive load of anxiety because I have everything and yet know how I don't know how to channel it, if that makes sense. So Verma, most beautiful thing I've realised is taking it back to basics, taking it back to this inner resilience, which I'll talk about on another podcast of trying not to create courses and workshops for you guys that are on everything that I'm adoring. Whilst it's still not settled, and how I want to teach it, I need to let it what's the word bake a bit longer. want of a better word. I do know though, how to create resilience, lesson self sabotage, keep that grit and determination and reframe your thoughts so that you actually go out and get your dreams and dig out the dirt that might be sabotaging. So that's something that I'll be creating in the next week while but as always, I would love to work with you one on one. Please send me an email to Chloe at Chloe Graham mindset coach.com. And we can have a chat about whether we're the right fit for each other and what stage you're at in your journey. And one last thing I never ask. But if you could leave a rating or share on your stories that you're listening to this episode, I would be beyond grateful. Do let me know send me a DM on Instagram or something because it means that we've connected it means that you've listened to me. And I can't think of anything more special. And I would love to have the opportunity to listen to you and your story. So this is me on the solar eclipse signing off today to go and create some more space for the thoughts to come in on my journey of self discovery this year has been winding and huge and limitless and the most epic beautiful thing. And it's getting me closer to being able to find my purpose and my why. And I can't recommend it enough. I will link the apps in the show notes because I feel like they're the the simplest that I found that are the most detailed at the same time and they're the most beautiful but for now If you're struggling with your purpose and your why, please don't worry. There are actually maps out there to help you find these are the maps that can guide you. I can help you with the questions that help you find your dharma and your purpose. So do not lose hope, my love. All right, sending you a massive hug. Thank you so much for listening again, my love's until next time.

Unknown: 25:26

Bye bye