Misunderstood, with Chloe Graham

Episode 13 The Sisterhood Wound with Evelyn Kelly

• Chloe • Season 1 • Episode 13

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Tune in for a deep and healing chat about the sisterhood wound.  I share some personal stories from my own life, and my journey with it.  Evelyn shares the most amazing insights.  We chat about comparison, jealousy, trust, self-worth, and many more raw and wonderful topics. 

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chloe graham:

Hello and welcome back. This is episode 13. My favourite number season one of my podcast I'm proud of you, babe with Chloe and I am interviewing and the most beautiful Evelyn Kelly. today and we're talking all about the sisterhood wound. Let's dive straight in Hello, everyone, and welcome again to my podcast today I have the most amazing coach Evie, who I actually worked with last year and massive growth spurt for me whilst I was working with Evie, and she's here today. And I'm so excited. We're going to talk all around the sisterhood wound, how we relate to other women, how we can really harness this for good. And then also how we can step into our own unique magic and really kind of use this bonding experience to just sort of solidify how awesome we all are and how much greater life is when we bond and support each other. So without further ado, Evie, welcome.

Unknown:

Oh, what an introduction. Thank you so much for having me. First and foremost, it's such an honour and always such a joy to be able to support you in your business and see how you actually you've grown as a human and your business since our work together a little while back. So yeah, it's such an honour to be here and excited for this conversation.

chloe graham:

Yeah, you're actually the reason why I am podcasting because I bought this stuff. I think six months before we started working together and I was so petrified, I took it back to the shop. And then the work that we did together actually made me believe in myself enough to go and buy the podcasting equipment. So thank you for that.

Unknown:

Oh, my pleasure. I think podcasting is such a beautiful tool. Like It still blows my mind that there's this incredible free resource that we can tap into on almost any topic you can think about. Right? So I love it. And also just such a beautiful business. A good thing to do in business right to support more humans. So yeah, I love that you're podcasting. And so yeah, so proud of you for doing this.

chloe graham:

Thank you keyword being proud. By focus. I'm proud of you. So I love it. Hello. Yes, yes, yes.

Unknown:

So did not I forgot them. So that was not

chloe graham:

even smarter than I love it. So do you want to tell everyone listening a little bit about you? And how? I don't know. Do you want to do probably a business one first maybe? And then we'll delve into some life stories afterwards?

Unknown:

Yeah, sure. I always find this question really hard to answer because I'm like, I'm just me. And there's so many facets of it. I was like, How do I put this into like a succinct few words. But yeah, I am a life and business coach. I'm Evie. I'm a life and business coach. And I support ambitious women to create unstoppable self belief and inner confidence so that they can create the lives and the businesses that they truly love. So through business coaching, I support them through my signature framework, which is Mindset, Strategy and soul to really create profitable, sustainable, solid businesses. And yeah, I'm also a little dog mom for retriever fin, I have a baby on the way myself, live in Auckland here in New Zealand. And this is my jam. You know, coaching is just who I am. I feel like it's been ingrained in me from a really young age. It's just I know, hand on heart that this is what I'm here to do. And so even though that's grown and evolved, in many ways over the years, you know, helping people is absolutely my thing. Yeah.

chloe graham:

I love that. And I'll just put a mention here because it's relevant for the podcast that we're talking about. I actually found Evie, because I was looking at my competition. Research this I was like, huh, who's out there in Auckland, New Zealand or New Zealand in general? Like, what's the vibe, you know, just sort of research on the industry and possibility. And I think it was a huge point in my life and a huge sort of patting myself on the back for this, that I've come to the point where I realised that there's not a scarcity of people and clients and everything else. And so when I found you, it wasn't like, oh my god, what is she doing? How is she doing it better than me? How do I you know, do it better or differently? And it wasn't about sort of stealing anything from you. It was more like, wow, she's obviously doing something similar to what I want to do in that we're helping women become better women. And I just remember thinking, you go Chloe, like you've come such a long way from this competition that we can have and this scarcity mindset that there's just not enough to go around. And it's so not true. So that's how I found you.

Unknown:

Amazing. I love that story. And yeah, so relevant for today's combo. I couldn't agree more. Yeah.

chloe graham:

So I mean, just sort of a general, you can take this in any direction you want on sort of how you I mean, I don't know the answer to this. So this is all new for me how easy you've found it to have female friends during your life. Were there periods where you felt connected and accepted or disconnected? How did that go for you? And then I'll just leave that to you.

Unknown:

Amazing, amazing. So yeah, I know, a whole lot of today's conversation is about the sisterhood word. And I was sort of reflecting on this before we came on. And I feel like to be totally honest, and my own personal world and my own personal journey, I haven't really had a sisterhood wound so much myself. Although I absolutely can identify worse, comparing myself to others, you know, having moments of jealousy and things like that, but I feel like I've mostly had really good relationships and interactions with females. And I feel like the early stages of my life, of course, is always gonna be like friendship wobbles and challenges. And I also grew up at a household of females as well. I've got two other sisters. So it's three girls and my mom. And oh, wow. Yeah, I mean, sure, there's, there's challenges there. But I don't necessarily think that that's a sisterhood wound as such, I think that's just you know, sibling rivalry. But there's definitely a piece around like, feeling like you have to be a certain way to fit in or to be liked and loved. Probably more around that authenticity piece. And that was a big part of my journey and my childhood. So something obviously I love coaching and supporting people with now. But yeah, loose about the sisterhood wound. But yeah, I mean, there's definitely challenges and I can share more there if you'd like me to dive in deep. But I feel like as you generally just do the inner work, like when I went into therapy, and then into coaching my work at myself as a client, first and foremost, before I became a coach, I think that as you start to do your own inner work and own inner healing, then that's just not even a thing anymore. Like, I just feel like the comparison itis just completely melted away. And yeah, there was no sort of feelings of jealousy and like you say, and when I went into business, like, there was no like competition with other people it was it was just like, amazing. But I found another beautiful coach that I can connect with, and how cool that we have some common interests here and some commonalities, but also that were wildly different, and what we support people in slightly different ways. And, and then now as a business coach, like I literally would coach women to do the exact same thing, but in their own unique way. And I think that that's actually like a big part of why I went into business coaching was because my impact was only so far that I could take as one human right, like, I have big dreams to impact, you know, 1000s, hundreds of 1000s millions if I can, but my reach is only so far. So if I can teach other people and support other people to do that in their own unique way. Well, then, yeah, that impact and that reach the ripple effect is is huge, right. And so I think it just goes to show that even though it wasn't a huge part of my personal story, I think coming into coaching and after I've done all of my own inner work and healing it's the comparison itis the the jealousy the Yeah, compared to others, it's just not a thing.

chloe graham:

No, I love that. I had a much longer journey to get to where I am now. Because like I've went over sort of researching and thinking about this it's it sort of reaches so far. And I definitely fell victim to stuff even like I was looking like on TV we have TV shows where like, what is it like the bachelor there's 12 women all fighting against each other. For one guy. It's like, Oh, is that showing women like coming together as you know, friends and supporting each other when they're backstabbing and oh, I've don't like that. And then like growing up in England, the gossip magazines before social media, but they were huge. And I was thinking a lot about Megan Markel, and Kate Middleton, and how the media can just, you know, really sort of direct people's thoughts and it can really influence you. And there was another one I think there was a lot of hate chucked at Taylor Swift left. And an article was saying, you might be hating Taylor Swift right now. But do you know why? Do you know anything she's actually done? And it was like, Oh, my goodness, I've been brainwashed into, you know, they pick a different celebrity, and we're hating on these women, or they're so annoying, or what are they doing, or their cat fighting on the TV. And it's, ah, it's just like, wow, this really does sort of creep into every area of our lives. And we don't really see that much stuff. Like the beautiful stuff that Reese Witherspoon is doing about creating her own as she sold it now, but her own production company about I want to give women support women into getting into the roles rather than going, you know, I don't want to support members, I need the roles and I want those films, you know, she's like, No, totally more women on the screen, I want to lift everyone up. So that was pretty cool. And then I think mine went so badly to start with, because unfortunately, I wasn't close to my sister growing up. And I think also, I aligned myself with the what I saw as more powerful parent, which was my dad. And then as a self protection mechanism, I said, I need to be effectively a warrior, but almost sort of like, very masculine qualities. And we talked about that with our coaching together as well, about how I sort of didn't really understand the femininity in me, and therefore you can't then connect to other women, if you can't find it in yourself. If yes, when do you have clients who are the same as me, if we or if you want to talk a little bit about that. It's like, how we you know, overachieving women can really get stuck in this sort of masculine logic. Yeah, totally repetitive thinking. It's a, again, a scarcity thing, and how you any advice you have for women, like the old me still working on of like, how do you find and believe in the femininity in you, and therefore that you can actually have female friends? And not just girlfriends? Yeah,

Unknown:

I think there's two parts to this, right. I think absolutely, what you've touched on there as, like, the energy that we have within ourselves, and how we generally operate on a day to day basis absolutely affects the way that we interact with the world, and with other people. So like you say, a lot of society, I think, and again, a generalisation, but a lot of society, we are taught to live more in our masculine, you know, to achieve things to do things. You know, when women came into the workplace a whole lot more that obviously fostered their masculine side of of them, which I think is a, you know, is a wonderful thing that we've we've moved into that area, but it's still, you know, the issue, I guess, is like not only living and our masculine and forgetting the feminine part of ourselves, although that beautiful softness, and in us, which is our natural state, right. But yeah, it's fostered in so many of us. And for you, obviously, it was even more so because that's, yeah, that's who you wanted to be liked and loved by. And so you would, you would demonstrate that right. So I don't think that's a bad thing as such, but it's just maybe a question for the listeners to think about as like, where am I spending most of my time? Do I tap in and out of the feminine and the masculine equally or in a healthy way? Or is it like, I'm only in my masculine and I'm doing and achieving and, you know, making logical decisions, and I'm not in my in my feminine. And just for the for those of you who might be unfamiliar with this, we both have these, everyone has both of these energies within us. And our natural state as woman or woman identifying is more of the feminine energy. But that doesn't mean that we don't have the masculine energy. And that doesn't mean that it's not a wonderful thing to help us get stuff done and to make decisions and to get to move forward. But if we're only spending our days and our lives in one energy, then we we miss the beauty of the other one. And so what I hear in your story is, it was challenging for you to relate to other women because you were solely in your masculine, and hadn't really experienced or fostered the more feminine side of you. And so maybe that was a bit of a conflict. Right? So maybe that's a starting point to think about, where am I always or what energy do I spend most of my time in and what actually is my true nature, and how can I foster that other part of me that perhaps I've neglected or just yet literally just hasn't been fostered? Right. And I know we did. We did a whole lot of work around that.

chloe graham:

Yeah. And it's still ongoing but it's a finding it more fascinating the more I dive into it, because it And it's so multifaceted. It's incredible.

Unknown:

Yeah, absolutely. It's one of those things that affects everything right, it just touches every part of our lives. I think the other part of this though, and where there's more of the wound, I would say, is around. People having some kind of trauma or past experience, or challenging situations with other woman, perhaps were within created that disconnect. Or maybe that's where the comparison itis comes in, or the jealousy comes in, or? Yeah, essentially, like putting someone else down to put myself up or like, we can't raise together type of type of idea. And you mentioned the media before. And I think that's a part of it. Like, I think that's just, unfortunately highlighted a whole lot more. But that's not necessarily the core root of it, right? If we looked at two people who were not, you know, nothing to do with a female, nothing to do with the media, sorry, or celebrities, if we just looked at to two women who were competing against each other, or one was jealous of the other, it's understanding what is the root cause of that for that particular individual? So why are they feeling jealousy? Or why are they wanting to always compare themselves to another person, because that's just really the symptom of what's going on deeper, right? So I always come back to the point of like, a really beautiful, Healed person, you know, someone who doesn't have a lot of that past trauma that they need to process and navigate and heal. Naturally, I don't think you will have comparison itis in a negative way, you know, we can still compare, but comparing is actually a really natural thing. When, when it becomes comparison, itis I like to say, you know, the not so good side of it, is when Yeah, we go too far with it. Or we say that, well, I'm not as good as that person because of XYZ or because I don't have that thing or look a certain way or have achieved XYZ, then I'm not good enough. But yeah, that's the slippery slope, right? So what is the root cause of it? And then how can we get to healing that root cause of it? Does that make sense?

chloe graham:

Yep, I love all of that. So many, so many thoughts. I had to write some of them down. Carry on listening. So holding something in my head. But yeah, I totally agree with you there. And that's, I think, how I managed to heal a lot of my jealousy and resentment towards other women was because my self worth was so low. Yeah. Yeah, that you would compare to someone else. And then you'd, you could I mean, I even put a friend on a pedestal. And I was almost like a groupie to her because she looks so fabulous. She was being kind to me. She was everything that I wasn't confident, well dressed, enigmatic. And I was just like, Oh, wow. And it got to the point where I could, you know, should we be driving the car. And then she said, put some music on. And you know, that fear of, you know, it's like on a small scale when someone says at a party put some music on. And there's a real like in a music, but I felt that even in a car sitting with a friend, because I wanted to impress her so much that I had this phrase. And I said it that once and I think that kind of clicked something in me. But I said, I don't know if you'll like this, but I like this one. Yeah, as a disclaimer, because I didn't want her to sort of, you know, I was trying to put a shield up of the judgement. And she said, Chloe, you always say that put on what you want. And it was just like, Ah, I won't even let myself be myself. Because I'm so worried that she won't like what I'm uniquely me, Chloe wanting to put on. And then from that was very early on when I moved here and also very early on in my personal growth journey eight years ago. And I was like, as my self worth, increased, as you say, the comparison, you know, a happy Healed person, as myself worse went up and I accepted myself. Yeah, then that comparison that competing with other women just sort of disappeared off because again, it went to this the someone for everyone, you know, everyone's uniquely amazing. And that healed a lot of the sisterhood when definitely,

Unknown:

yeah, beautiful. I love that you brought up southwest because that is really a big part of this. This is probably the root cause of a lot of this right? Is if you feel really worthy and whole within yourself if you're really happy and self loving and compassionate towards who you truly are and have embraced all that. That is you your authentic self, then. Yeah, we don't need to have that x Do no validation, or we have less of those people pleasing tendencies, like you said in the car where you just wanted to please her and be loved and accepted by this by this friend. But actually, she actually gave that back to you. She was like, No, I love you anyway, I don't care what kind of music you like, I'm still going to love you anyway, which was probably such a healing thing to have at the time, actually. But, but sometimes we can always receive that. It's not enough if we still have a core wound around unworthiness or not. Yeah, not really embracing loving who we truly are at our core. So yeah, maybe that maybe the root cause for a lot of people is the worthiness piece.

chloe graham:

I would also add to that, because yeah, worthiness is definitely a core, do you think this one is equal to or slightly less? Where would you place it because there's this, I can't trust other women, because we might have been betrayed by one before, like, my best friend in the latter years of school, I rang her boy, like bawling my eyes out because my boyfriend just broke up with me. And to be fair, it was good. It was warranted, I was not great. I was not making an effort towards the end. It's one of those ones where you don't see until it's finished. I'm like, What was I doing? But I rang her bawling my eyes out saying, What do I do, I've stuffed this up, I do actually realise this is my fault, not a, you know, there can be those other icky blame self, when it's nothing to do with you. Like, literally, I hadn't pulled my weight, I'd been up. And I rang her and saying how to what helped me. And the next time she ended up next night, she ended up in bed with him. And she was my best friend. And I think if people have sort of times like that in their history, then it can create, as you say, like a sort of almost a trauma wound of life, how do I go forward and trust women? And then also putting that back on myself? Am I not trusting myself? Yes. And then you'd like self worth? You stopped comparison? Is it now trusting myself to judge friends as good people worthy, I want them in my world versus I'm not going to judge you. You're just not for me, you know, then when you learn to sort of trust your intuition, then you can trust other women. And I think when people can't trust themselves, then they also the symptom as you really eloquently put, like, the symptom of it is they don't trust other women as well.

Unknown:

Yeah, great point. I think this is all part of it. Right? And so for different people that might be varying degrees of this or their past examples or situations, yeah, will influence us, right. Like, for you, obviously, trust was one of those things, and I can absolutely relate to that, too. And so I guess, well, like the workers really, is really healing that right is going back to those those situations and, and navigating them process, then healing them, releasing them and nurturing your younger self, your inner child or your younger self and those moments because, yeah, I mean, it's, yeah, I mean, what an awful situation, right? And like, my heart goes out to younger you who had to experience that. But I also know, and I believe deep down that, you know, the challenges that we get served in our lifetime is for us, you know, it's enabling us to grow into and to level up and to Yeah, to become the person that we meant to be type of thing. And so, yeah, maybe that is a lesson there is around trusting one yourself first and foremost, and then trusting others. And that's just something that we have to rebuild, right. It's not an overnight quick fix. In any way. It's yeah, it's like loving, it's coming from a place of love, right?

chloe graham:

Yeah. One thing I'd love to ask you on because again, I'm gonna go back to the sort of feminine masculine energies, because I think, also when I was saying I was aligning with a stronger, more powerful parent, I saw femininity as weak. Yes, and kindness is weak. So I didn't want to go into the energy. And I've made myself and actually off, she won't get this in time, but I'm going to talk to her about a client and we're doing tomorrow about masculine feminine energies when dealing with a man's masculine and feminine ly, femininity, what a word. And I had to grow up a quadrant of like, what is good masculine energy versus unhealthy. And the same with female because I only ever saw the sort of the weak or crying or not standing up for themselves not speaking up. People pleasing. feminine stuff. And I never saw until recently, the power in femininity, so there was no reason for me to go towards femininity want female friends when I didn't see the power of them? So is there any way you could? Because I would love to hear your thoughts on this, like, where do you think people go wrong when they don't see the strengths? Or what are they not seeing in feminine? That's so great.

Unknown:

Yeah, this is a great question and a great conversation. Thanks for bringing it up. I almost wonder if correct me if you if you disagree here, like, this is just my my thoughts on this. But it's almost like you've taken feminine energy with being a woman, and kind of like, meshed those two together, but actually the feminine energy is, is in both genders, right? It's not it's not just a female thing, right. And yet, and it's interesting that you said that I saw feminine femininity. Energy, the femininity as my mom, for example. And then I saw some negative things about her or attributes about how she was ie people pleasing, or not standing up for herself, not prioritising self, etc. But I don't think that's a problem with the feminine energy. I actually think that that's just a unique problem. Problem, quote, unquote, because I don't think it's a problem as such, but something an area to look at and heal and work through, is around the people pleasing. And yes, maybe that is something that's common in a lot of females, but it's not a problem with the feminine energy. So I see those as two separate things.

chloe graham:

Yeah, I'm just wondering, I can't think where I saw it, they just had a grid, and they were kind of talking about how people can misinterpret and, you know, feminine energy can be in, as you say, like, and I agree, we've got them in both men and women, but how it can be used for good or use for bad, you know, strength in men can be used

Unknown:

force, or I see what you mean. Yes.

chloe graham:

Do you know what I mean? And or it can be strength, strength and femininity, as well as the probably the wrong word to use. But can you see what I mean? And then there's Yes, yes, feminine. Softness can be used, like to not speak up for yourself, or to be able to be a really good listener and hold space for someone so that they can find their own answer, or you know what I mean,

Unknown:

I think it ultimately comes down to the person because if you're, if you're deeply in your feminine, then it isn't about being weak. And it isn't about being people pleasing. And it isn't about you know, being submissive or not standing up for ourselves or not prioritising ourselves. I think that's just a trait of something else, you know, those are the symptoms. Remember, I have a deeper thing that's going on here. Is that the worthiness piece? Is that some past trauma healing stuff that they need to work through? And that's a commonality in a lot of females, I believe, because that's been passed on from generation to generation. But it's, it's, it's happening, we're healing it slowly. But yeah, if you are truly embodying your feminine energy, then that's that beautiful empowered energy. Yes, it's in flow. Yes, it's a softer energy. Yes. It's like that, that beautiful, warm, loving energy, it's creative, it's expensive, all of those wonderful words and more, but I don't see that as Yeah, I don't see that as a bad thing or a negative thing in any way. But I hear what you're saying is that perhaps someone's actions can be taken in a bad way or not. So good thing to do, right? Like you say, the masculine if they're solely on the masculine but actually again, I don't think that that's a problem. But I think that if, if that that particular male figure has some internal stuff going on some healing, then they can be solely in their masculine energy and it comes out in a way that's perhaps not healthy or not supportive. So maybe that's the aggression or the control or whatever that might be. Does that make sense? Here's my take

chloe graham:

Yeah, no, and I love it I love all the different takes but I think I think also I just had a complete misunderstanding about yes emanated feminine and energy was growing up like to me it just seemed not what it actually is. It seems sort of weakness and not standing up and that to do well in the world. I needed masculine because they were the ones being strong and confident in everything correct. Not understanding that you can be strong and confident in your feminine because yes, yeah. So I just got back to front and upside down growing up and I think that's Why I just felt so alienated from that sisterhood or being able to connect. And it wasn't until I was over 30 that I really sort of got friends. I mean, some friends are there for life, some of them just for a season, but that feeling the bond and the closeness. Yeah, only came later in life because I had it so confused and just thought, I don't want to be around anything vulnerable. In case I get hurt.

Unknown:

Yes, it's a protective mechanism. Right. And, and like zero judgement here, it was just a your particular upbringing. And the circumstances that you were in is that you saw your mom as the feminine energy and you lumped them together and saw some not so good things that you didn't want to be or embody. And so that was in the bed category, I don't want to be that I shouldn't be that. But actually, I want to be more like the powerful dad, the the male role model that I have in my life. And so therefore, you adopted a belief system about that. But yeah, I need to be strong, I need to be confident I need to be in my masculine, I can't be vulnerable, I can't be open, I can't be soft, you know, can't be these other things that I was more in line with the feminine. And that's just yeah, that was part of your journey, obviously, until now you're doing all of your beautiful healing work. And that's just not a thing anymore, which is wonderful, right? Like knowing that all of this stuff we can heal and, and change and grow through. And it doesn't have to be our reality forever. But I hear what you're saying is that, that I think that's where we get lumped them together, right. But now you can see that I can be feminine, and I can be in my masculine. And neither is right or wrong. Neither is good or bad. I'm both for them. And in times that I'll tap into some energies depending on what I'm doing, or the season of life I'm in or whatever it might be. And now of course, then you've healed your sisterhood word because females on a bed anymore, and openness and all and creativity and self expression, and all of that stuff is not bad. It's a wonderful thing.

chloe graham:

No, yeah, you're totally right. And I mean, even recently, I've just got up as you know, you naturally network with friends, also starting businesses. And I had a few friends from all over the world, like from past lives, few pilots, actually, as well, who were making their business. And I just said, Hey, do you want to chat together? And so we've got a little Whatsapp group. And it's just Oh, yeah, we're just all chatting like, this is my win for this week. You know, like, I'm struggling with this. And we just boost each other up in little sort of business thing. And it's, it's only we've I've only started it maybe three weeks ago, but I already love it. It's like, we can just help each other out. It's so cute. And I never would have thought about doing that, you know, 10 years ago.

Unknown:

Hmm. Well, you would have run away from it then. Right. But now you see it as a beautiful thing. And I love that. I mean, there's so much power and woman coming together, right? And sharing and being open and fully being seen just as we are and yes, celebrating each other, supporting each other, boosting each other up. And that's not yet it's not from a wounded place where there's competition or jealousy or anything. It's actually just it's a wonderful nurturing thing.

chloe graham:

Yeah. And then I was there was one other thing that I found. And that's definitely a way to sort of rewrite the story of jealousy. It's like, this is a big fat lesson. That's what you want. So going, Ah, I hate them. Because they've got that, how about, I'm really powerful, I'm gonna go out and get it. And then it's just about finding a coach that can help you if you're struggling find those baby steps. And I think that's, I think that's where a lot of people go wrong, because they might sort of see something in someone else in another woman that they're jealous of. And then they'll stay in the mindset of being jealous rather than actually seeing the gift of like, it's a bloody big trigger of like, you need to go out and find that because that's clearly what you really, really really want.

Unknown:

Totally, totally, I was just gonna say it's yeah, it's a trigger, isn't it? And what what is it triggering and you often what we Yeah, well, either jealousy or someone who triggers us like we get really? What's another word for trigger? I keep sort of saying trigger but you know, those people that do they like me? Yeah, you know, those people that really like push your buttons. And sometimes it's like reflecting back either something within ourselves that we haven't fully embraced and healed and loved and bringing forward or it's something that we want to do adopt more of or grow into or have or whatever it might be. Yeah, I absolutely remember this with as a chronic, chronic people pleaser for most of my early life that like people pleasing was, yeah, it was the so rife of my life. And then there was this one person in my world who at the time was I would have said, selfish, I would have use those words back then, although I don't see her as selfish now. But that would really trigger me because ultimately, the you know, the people pleasers problem is that they're so selfless. They don't do anything for themselves, or they're not prioritising what they want in their desires. And so, yeah, that was just a big fat mirror for me and be like, hey, like, there's another way here, you could start living your life more on your terms, you can start lessening your people pleasing tendencies, and put yourself first. And so then, of course, now that that person doesn't trigger me as much or No, doesn't actually trigger me because I've healed through that, right. But it's just interesting how, yeah, those those other people can, like the jealousy or the trigger is, again, it's the symptom, what is it underneath something a part of you, that you that you want you desire that you want to grow into? And body more have more of? Or a part of you? That's not Yeah, that's not actualized, that hasn't come forward.

chloe graham:

Yeah. And this can also show up as it's come up with a couple of clients recently, is a woman who's chosen to stay home and bring up the kids, and is now resenting her friends who kept their careers going. Do you want to say, I've got some thoughts on it, I'd love to hear your thoughts of how do they let go of that. They still love their friends. But they're also a little bit jealous and resent this sort of career, and they feel this incredible lack in their lives, or they feel less than because of it.

Unknown:

Yeah. But again, it's the same stuff we talked about at the start, right, is that that's, that's a cue for them to start looking at what's going on internally for them. So is it that there is this desire for more that they want to get back into the workforce or create some more time or projects or whatever it might be an avenue for them to be, you know, fully seen? And, yeah, to give more, maybe, instead of, I want to say just being mom, which I don't have like the zero judgement around it, but for this particular situation, right? She's saying that I'm jealous of these other people that do have careers and other lives and things outside of their kids or their family. And obviously, that's just a want and a desire within her that hasn't been fully seen or met. Yeah, so I guess the work is navigating that right is worthiness. Maybe there's a people pleasing stuff in there as well, really starting to prioritise her recognising that she can have both that she can't like, maybe there's a story that it really depends. So it's hard to say exactly what the solution is for her here without having a in depth conversation around it. But maybe there's some people pleasing tendencies there of not prioritising herself and her needs. Maybe there's the other piece around, I can be both I can I can be a beautiful mom. And I can also have my own career or my own life or going to do things outside of that, like, what's her story around that? And how was How was her role as a mother been influenced by perhaps, her experience with her own mother or other mothers or society that's taught her that it has to be a certain way or whatever. So probably lots of layers in there for her.

chloe graham:

Yeah, I definitely think was also a part of it. And I agree with everything you just said there is, especially the I should have kept my career going, that I'm jealous of them for having careers. For me, that's a very passive looking thing, where it's that sort of wasted energy of like we get, it's a comfortable place, you know, that we can just sit there and get angry and cross off ourselves and man at live we I remember huge amounts of time when man was about 25. I daydream for hours on wishing I could redo my university degree, let alone in the last few years, let alone anything forward looking. It's like, you're only 25 and you're already wishing you could go back to being 16 and redo it. And it's, again, this, and it's really hard to bring this up with people. If you're not sort of trained on how to do it gently, but it's this victim mindset of disempowerment of, oh, woe is me. It's too late to do anything now because I didn't do it. You know, keep it going. Like, as you say, it's about finding that desire and it's like if you're resenting other people, it's never too late. It's never too late to go and create the, the desire and it's that I think people stay in the safe energy of being jealous and resent panting because then it's incredibly, it's incredibly vulnerable. To do a career change, start at the bottom in inverted commas. And also tell people what you want to do. Because you know, when you've spent 18 years raising kids, and then you go, actually, I want to reenter, but I'm starting from scratch, and they're all CEOs, it's like, it takes a brave woman and you know, Brene, brown levels of vulnerability to be able to say, I'm no longer keep gonna keep telling myself the story of, it's too late for me, I should have done it and be stuck, I'm going to empower myself to make the decision to be like, I'm probably gonna make a lot of mistakes. But I don't care. I'm gonna go after it. And then, I mean, I found like, even with this, I'd get jealous of people who had businesses because I tried in 2018. But I didn't have that resilience training, I, you know, it got hard, and I quit, I wasn't far enough along on my journey, and I'd be really jealous of people. And then your subconscious can start, you know, criticising them and like, Oh, what are they doing? And are they marketing? Again, you know, all of these thoughts. And then it's now I'm trying, and I'm actually actioning what I wanted to do that baby dream that get keeps getting bigger and bigger. That comparison goes down and goes away, because it's like, yeah, I'm actually actioning. That story, on re white writing that story into one that creates me again as the main character of my story. Totally.

Unknown:

Yep. 100% agree with you there. Yeah. victim mentality is a slippery slope is a dangerous place. And the anecdote is taking radical responsibility. And you're so right, that takes courage that takes vulnerability, that takes sometimes rebuilding self worth, from the within to say that I am good enough, I am worthy of these things that I can go after what I want, again, coming from that beautiful empowered place, right. So for Yeah, it's, it could be slightly different versions or variations of those themes. But ultimately, yeah, you you have to take radical responsibility and recognise that you have a choice here, you can stay in the victim mentality, you can stay stuck. And that might be a little bit comfortable. But what in the short term at least, but not really give you that long term fulfilment and satisfaction? Or do you empower yourself? Do you take radical responsibility? Do you get seek the help that you need to support you to get there? And so that, yeah, I'm gonna choose the short term discomfort for the long term gain for the deep fulfilment and satisfaction in my life.

chloe graham:

I think yes, the main word, there definitely was support, isn't it, you really, if you want to try and do it, like I used to want to do everything alone, because I was brave, and I was powerful and didn't need anyone, no vulnerability, because you need a support system. And I think anyone needs to say anything, and, and share a dream with a friend, like, just do it. Just dry, pick someone that you feel the safest around, and share your dream with them. And then start building up that beautiful circle of support and help. And that's where I'd like to move on to you talking about your beautiful circle of help that you've got next year mastermind. Do you want to talk a little bit about that?

Unknown:

Absolutely. Yeah, I couldn't agree with you more there as well, by the way, and I just wanted to add and one, one last point, and then we'll move on to the mastermind was just, I think, sometimes a nice place to start, if we do have a sisterhood wound, if we find it hard to put ourselves out there or ask for the support is start fostering that from within first. And maybe that's even just you getting out your journal and starting to write from a beautiful place and starting to declare some of those dreams and desires of yourselves and make a bit of a plan for yourself. And then I think once you've fostered that internal connection with yourself, it's so much easier to go out and you know, spread that circle and make those connections but you're so right, it's so powerful women coming together. So that brings me nicely on to the best of age. So I have done a group programme with life coaching in the past and it was just divine. And as I moved more into business coaching still do life coaching. But as I've yet as I said earlier, my reach is only fire great. I wanted to support other beautiful humans to do their own version of their souls work and really create the businesses that they love. And so yeah, I have a beautiful Business Mastermind it's called the strategy and soul mastermind we're in the current round now and it's just blowing my absolute mind in the best way possible. I always knew that there was going to be a powerful experience but holy moly when you're in it, it's it's hard to put words around. So this is yeah, a group of like minded women who are in the earliest stages of their businesses who are coaches, creatives, consultants, who are really wanting to scale and grow their business to become full time or get their first 510 K bumps consistently, really sell out their offers and create beautiful impact with his sole work. Yeah, so it's a combination of one to one coaching and group coaching. And it's just, like I said, there's just something really powerful about women coming together to share, to connect, to collaborate to support to celebrate each other, you know, there's so much growth as well. And especially in a business sense as well in the in the container where we can share where we're at, or what challenges we're navigating, or, you know, what we've experienced, and then, even though the women are all in very different stages of their lives, and in different stages of their business, or their business models are slightly different, that actually is irrelevant. It's like some of these core principles are the same. And we navigate very similar things like the mindset wobbles, like the doubt like the fear the imposter syndrome, like the worthiness stuff, we have tech issues, we have challenges with sales conversations, and all sorts of things like that. So it's really beautiful to have a space where they're so deeply held and seen, and they can just be exactly who they are, and come with whatever they need in those moments and get the support one for me as the coach but also to be able to lean on those other beautiful humans in the same container and really get to journey through that together. Because I think, you know, like, you probably know that business can be especially in an online solopreneur kind of business, it can be a lonely journey. And so it's just it's so, so important and so wonderful to have that support. Have that sisterhood.

chloe graham:

Oh, sounds so good. I love it. I love it. I love it. It's just these things that we just they're not that I want to shout it from the rooftops I want everyone to be in a mastermind I want everyone to have a coach, if they could just see how much it can just propel you forward and your life. So you get closer to your dreams, you then even dream bigger, and you just walk around with the biggest smile on your face the whole time. It's just the most empowering thing ever. And being able to do this with other women and supporting each other rather than sort of competing is just, it makes it 1000 times better.

Unknown:

Yeah, 100% Couldn't agree more. Absolutely. And I think you know, instead of it being like, if there was any sisterhood wound stuff, it's like actually now I see it as like if they can do that then so can I like I know why I chose to be in a Business Mastermind myself personally and still am years down the track to support me in business and in life was because I wanted expanders I wanted people that were doing what I wanted to do that were going to you know, act as that inspiration act as that light that I could move towards because I didn't have a whole lot of those people in my personal world in terms of the business sense. And so yeah, finding those connections online and being in a mastermind was just it was life changing stuff for me and absolutely has been the thing that's enabled me to grow my business for sure. I definitely wouldn't be where I am today without it but before that was a whole lot of life coaching was a whole lot of internal work and healing as well so the support comes in different ways but if you can find yourself some kind of collective some kind of mastermind some kind of group even like you just mentioned earlier I loved the idea of like just starting up the WhatsApp group and or maybe that's worth a beautiful group of humans that you know you love or friends or whatever. Yeah, like even creating your own even if you're overseas like is it a zoom chat that you catch up on? Or yeah, like a group messaging platform or you catch up every month in person for coffee or whatever it might be to have these beautiful connections or attend woman circles I forgot to mention women's circles what a powerful way to heal your sister Sister wound there you know there's so many different beautiful offerings out there and it's just about finding the right one for you right and maybe maybe just being open to those initially at the first instance and then once you get a glimpse of how how good it can be how nourishing it can be I feel like you know there's no going back and the best way possible.

chloe graham:

Yeah, I love those and like all of those I see women now doing these retreats online like I've never done a yoga while or anything like this girls surfing ones that I've seen that I've never done. I'm interviewing another lady in the next I think she's next week actually and I would love to be able to go on her retreat but I can't get the time off. She's doing a woman's retreat sort of coaching thing in Italy just like Graeme sisterhood wound, click, you know, healing, just a beautiful connection. Like we need more of this everywhere like I would love To run retreats that's in the future business plan to be able to do that. Because when you were talking then about sort of, again, rising women up, there was one thing that I read in Forbes, I think it was just earlier today. And it was saying, again, if you've healed yourself first, and you're starting to realise that once this is solid, and you're being your own little cheerleader, then you realise, oh, this is actually even more powerful. If I'm cheerleading other people. And it said, the more you cheer on the people ahead of you, the faster you'll reach your desires.

Unknown:

Yeah, that makes a whole lot of sense. Yep. Yep. Yep. For you and for you. And I think it makes a whole lot of sense. If you were, if you're a few steps, still a messed up victim intelligent, and maybe that makes no sense. It's right, you're so right. And like, you know, when just one more thing I was going to share a bit, I know, we probably need to wrap up. But the other thing I was just going to say was why relationships, and this is just a general thing about relationships. So no matter the gender, but why we love relationships is like we're so hardwired for connection, right as humans. And you know, when something good happens in your life, what do you immediately go do? But what do you what would you go download

chloe graham:

someone you get excited, and then you leave a text or ring or I love voice notes? Because then they can hear it in your voice? And you're gonna share it? Because it's big for you to hold you want to go share it?

Unknown:

Absolutely. Well, the main reason why we do that is because it augments the emotional response in us, it augments that it makes it better a beggar. So the reason why we have a good positive feeling because something wonderful is happening. We're like, oh my goodness, I just want to call my bestie or my my partner or my mom or whatever. And then you're like, guess what happened, this amazing thing happened. And then they're really excited. And so you get even more excited and more happiness, and you get to share that. So one, it makes us feel more of that beautiful emotion. But also we get to share that with other people, which is just a beautiful, like byproduct of it, right. And so that's why we're so hardwired for connection. So when you're in these sisterhoods, when you're in these beautiful communities where that's really fostered when you celebrate someone else, or when you share your own celebration, and someone celebrates you back. Like, it just augments it all so much for us. So we feel amazing. And we get to share that with other people. But it also gives them permission to do the same. It is also fostering them to do that. Right. So I always I say and actually one of my old coaches used to say, you know, celebration breeds celebration. And and that's a huge thing, right? It's like, the more we do those things, celebrate support cheer each other on, the easier it is that the more we do that the the more natural it becomes. And it augments that within ourselves and within others. And like that's a beautiful thing. Right?

chloe graham:

That's such a good point. That is such a good point. Yeah, I love that. Because you know, we've experienced it, it's the most incredible thing. So such a good reminder to finish on it. Love that. Thank you.

Unknown:

Pleasure, pleasure. Just FYI for the listeners, I always end every single coaching call on a celebration, as you'll probably remember Chloe, for that very reason. It's well one to train it within ourselves, because I don't believe that we're that good at naturally celebrating ourselves as females. But yeah, if we can train it and do it here and coaching then amazing, it's going to foster that skill, but also, it's just such a beautiful high note, you know, to end on and really foster those positive feel good feelings.

chloe graham:

Okay, and then one final question. What are you most proud of yourself for recently?

Unknown:

Oh, I would say navigating pregnancy and business growth. I felt my word for this year. I don't know if you if you'd like to do words for the year, but my My word is rise and ease. And they have absolutely come to a fruition for me of like rising and expanding and growing so much. Bringing another little human into world growing a human and doing that with ease. And that's always been a challenge, I would say in quotation marks as a high achiever, and yeah, I think I'm most proud of that. It's it's it's not easy to necessarily do the two and and to rise with ease. We you know, that hustle culture is real. But actually yeah, it doesn't have to be that way. So yeah, that's what I'm proud of. Thanks for asking that beautiful question. What are you most proud of? I want to hear what you're most proud of.

chloe graham:

Oh, it will be today. And last week when I did my first two like podcast interviews and I didn't want to have this really big script. I wanted to free flow them because that's me Like, you know, I know that's me the play and the innocence, and just trusting in myself that this is my flow and my best. And yeah, just like being able to step up and go from solo episodes to interviewing people that I love on the podcast. I was like, That is a big step for me, and I'm proud of myself for doing it.

Unknown:

Love it. Well see, see, we're celebrating at the end already. I love this. That's such a that's such a win, and well done. You love it. And I've loved this episode. So thank you so much for having me.

chloe graham:

Thank you for coming. I've truly truly appreciate it. I'll put it all in the shownotes. But if you just want to say what your Instagram handle is and your website, so if people want to inquire at your mastermind they can or want to get in touch for any reason just to follow you with all your words of wisdom.

Unknown:

Oh, yes, please do come over to Instagram and say hi, send me a DM I love hearing what really resonates and lands for people and podcast episodes because I love these conversations and they're so rich. But I think also the the best conversations happen outside the podcast as well. So come say hi, Instagram is evil, and Roberta Khalili, my full name, and my website is Ethan kelly.co.nz it and yeah, I'm sure we'll link it all in the show notes. But yeah, come say hi. I would love to connect.

chloe graham:

And I caught I can't believe I didn't mention it. But you have your own amazing podcasts as well.

Unknown:

Yes. Elevate your life as a blog. Kelly, come over, come on over. If you love this podcast, you'll love you'll love that.

chloe graham:

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

Unknown:

Pleasure. Thank you