Episode 9 My flight response story - sheesh it's a big one.

My journey through life has meant a lot of my time was spent in a dysregulated nervous system response.  This episode I talk about the FLIGHT response.   I want to share my personal stories for two reasons; one, so that you know you're not alone, and two so that you might have an a-ha moment and be able to recognise when you're in a dysregulated state and suffering.  

My website and current offers on how to work with me

www.chloegrahammindsetcoach.com

Transcript

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It has been a hot minute but I'm back I'm so happy Hello. Back Wow, this has been slightly ridiculously hard. I can't actually remember the date of the last podcast that I've recorded but I got snowed under with a whole bunch of incoming business. And I didn't do anything to my microphone I've got one of the blue yetis and I love it and I left it alone for about a month, pulled it back out to record my next episode. And it was skipping all over the place. I had no idea what was going on, and it was driving me insane. So tried not to get too frustrated knowing that I am not a tech nerd, I don't understand this stuff, and was proud of myself for even blimmin During the first eight episodes, and it was adoring them. So it just shows you sort of falling out of a habit and how much it can set us back. But here we go. I'm back. It's working. It still took some fiddling this morning. But let's get into this episode. This is a little bit out of sequence actually, because I'm doing a masterclass on anger and rage next No, this week in four days time on my Instagram is alive. And the way I split up my work when I'm doing a courses. So we've got all going to be announced soon is splitting them into the four different dysregulated nervous states. So there's fight flight freeze, and the fourth one the people pleasing. And the way I'm going to run it coming up is there's going to be a fight, ie anger, frustration, irritation, all of those sort of high energy emotions that we can get stuck with. I'm going to be running a six week course on them. But today, I'm actually going to talk to you about my journey so far with the flight response, and a little bit about it because I think it's very it's very misunderstood, and how far reaching the implications of that state. I don't think many people understand. So what I would like to do is tell you a little bit about it, and then I'll share some stories from my life. So essentially, the flight response is when we get into a point where there's a threat, and we seem to think that we can't defeat it. And so we run away, like literally, you see a tiger and you run away. But this happens in many situations around lives where there are no Tigers present. So there are good times when we need it. Like when we're walking down a dark alley, and someone looks suspicious than absolutely we're tuning into the flight response. And that sensible when we know when we need to leave a bad relationship or run away from anything. That's a sensible real threat, then it's not something we want to get rid of completely. It's just sometimes it can show up as a coping mechanism and a response because we feel threatened in a situation that we shouldn't be triggering outside of our window of tolerance like this. And this can show up as panic living in a complete state of constant fear, OCD or any other sort of obsessive or compulsive behaviours. Anxiety is can play up a lot with the flight response and perfectionistic thinking we can do that as a coping mechanism to try and deal with this state as well. And literally it can be an inability to sit still. Like you're you're constantly What feeling like you want them Who also this can show up as workaholic behaviours. And you just need to stay busy all the time and you're unable to just do nothing, you have to stay busy. So those are kind of more general samples. And then I'll talk to you through my life now and how, when I was writing a blog article, it's up on my website now, how you know, the more you think about something, the more situations come up, and you're like, holy shit that came up for me as well. So if you feel on edge all the time, if you're really jumpy to noises, if you leave situations, and it's not just to take a healthy break, it's literally to run away from it, or game play with someone, then you're exhibiting the flight response. I wish I could go back in time to my younger self and give her a big hug and say it's going to be okay. Because I lived in this for full 25 years, where it was playing out all the time. And I'll take you right back to the beginning. So I grew up in a big house, and we weren't allowed the heating on many lights on at all. We had massive windows, I'm talking like, three by three metres windows. And we had a big plot of land, massive trees, lots of animals making noises in the night. And the way it worked was I was seen as the kid that could study got A's and didn't need help. So I was told to go to my room and do my homework as a kid. And my younger sister who struggled with dyslexia was allowed to sit in the kitchen and my mom would help her. Now, I don't blame my mom for that because there is a very low level of understanding and society in general about how these patterns can be interpreted by kids, and then cause problems. So absolutely no hatred or resentment or anything towards my mum. But as a little tiny kid, the way it cemented in my brain was Eve's my sister is allowed to sit in the warmth and gets the love and attention from my mom. And I'm effectively banished to the other side of the house. So when it came time to dinner, I would put my head down, run through these dark corridors trying not to look out of the windows. Try not to see shadows, animals eyes. I don't know why we never shut the curtains, but we didn't and then ran downstairs nearly falling down the stairs was running so fast, and sit in the kitchen. And I'd be difficult while I was there because obviously I was feeling unloved and banished. But wanting connection. But then like the avoidant in the attachment style stuff, you don't quite know how to reengage, because everything feels unsafe. So I'd be argumentative with my sister because I was jealous of the attention, I would be pulling away from my mom, because I was like you wouldn't let me sit in the kitchen in the warm so why am I going to you know, go towards my mom when she made me sit in the other room kind of thing. So that's kind of where it started. And then then it sort of entered into my childhood games where I'd play these games when we had party in our house and I try and get around the edges of the garden or the house and try not be seen. This is this is flight behaviour trying to be invisible try not be seen lots of running around the edges, nine gauging. And then that turned into wanting to be a secret agent like Jason Bourne or something like that, because they were they were independent, they didn't need anyone. They were strong, they're empowered, and they didn't have a home, they didn't need possessions, and they left no trace behind. And that fed into my behaviours and I used to not want to leave any of my possessions around the house. Everything had to be in my room, I think where it was safe or I just didn't feel like I wanted to keep everything close to me, you know, all of my belongings. So they couldn't be hurt or damaged or something like that. I'm still trying to understand the possessions kind of thing. Then I left school, went to university and halfway through that my parents divorced. And rather than deal with the uncomfortable begin motions from myself and my family of a divorce. I ran away because obviously I just didn't know how to connect, I didn't know how to show love, didn't know how to accept love, didn't know how to cry, shout, do whatever to grieve for old life. So I went up to university and I stayed in a cold house all by myself, it was, you know, the university sort of town, it was deserted, and I was there by myself because I couldn't deal with going through the divorce. And it wasn't like I went to a happier place, or went to a place where I was extremely lonely, bored, and angry, and everything else. After uni, there, it the way it would show up is I would only stay in a flat with flatmates for about six months at a time, I think I counted about 20 houses that I lived in from when I was say, 18, up to 34, I think when I got my own place, 3435, I can't remember. And there was one actually, in Scotland, I think, when I was living there, I moved five times in the space of two and a half years. And then the last ones were actually really bad. And it got to the point where I would hide in my room. If my flatmates were home, I would not leave any trace or do all the washing up. Again, all of my belongings were hidden away in my room, I was hidden away, and I would stay in my room until they'd gone out. And then I'd wander around the house. And when I packed up, I made sure everything that I owned, would fit in my car. So I could leave at the drop of a hat and just pack up my car. I always left when no one was around. I left it tidy and everything respectful. But I always left quickly, quietly, silently, sort of slipping away in the night kind of thing. Or when they're at work. And then I got bullied, work there. And that's essentially why I left Scotland. So rather than dealing with the work problem and feeling like I'm worth my place here, I ran away again, flight ran away. So I actually move countries and went to Northern Ireland. And again, you know, I was like this, I would get this huge endorphin rush when I was driving away in a car, I had all my belongings in my car with me and I was leaving an unhappy house, that euphoria was always really big. And I'd be happy and joyful, not realising that I was going to do it all over again. So I drove across the country took the ferry over to Northern Ireland. And then I moved in with this guy, and the flat was too small. I saw it before I moved in. But it was too small. And I couldn't handle the amount of noise and he made he wasn't really considerate. But then also, I told him that I liked him. He rejected me. And that kind of turned into a you get rejected, spiteful, hide away even more. So pattern repeats itself, I'm hiding myself away in my room. I'm not engaging with him. I'm waiting until he goes to work in the morning. And I'd know his routine. So I'd know when he get up. I know what time he was going to leave, I wouldn't even go to the toilet in case I'd bump into him. And then I'd hear him walk down the steps outside. And then it was like I've been released and it's freedom and I could wander around the house. It was absolutely ridiculous. And then he ended up actually kicking me out quite rightly, because he said, it's just like, I'm living by myself with less room, you know, you're not engaging, whatever. So that was a big fat mess. And then this is the biggest flight of my life. So when I had that sort of breakdown in England and thought life can't go on like this. I thought that again, the biggest flight my life would be to move 13,000 miles away. So I've sold everything basically, I owned, very good at selling stuff and getting away or getting rid of things. I think I just liked being able to run at the drop of a hat. So I've never been a collector a sit comfortably in one place, sold everything two suitcases moved to the other side of the world. And to be honest, I mean, I've mentioned this in other podcasts. It was a good move for me It allowed me a fresh start, it allowed me to be a new person in a way, you know, make friends enjoy life, try new things. And I did allow myself to make friends and create a really good social life when I was here, and I love my new job. But the behaviours would still be there with flat eights, and then also in relationships. So in relationships when it's paired with the anger, and quite a few of my clients that I'm working with now have this where a bloke with a partner starts off as anger. And quite often, if one person's angry, the partner exhibits the freeze response, like shuts down, stops talking goes into the other room. And then the anger person wants a response wants a dynamic. So it's this subconscious, childlike, but that's where it comes from. behaviours where if anger isn't working, the next one people generally go to is flight. And they'll storm out of the house, either jump into the car, walk out the blocks, rock around the block, and you're trying to get a reaction out of this other person who's done the freeze response. So you're trying to get them to chase you, too, in a warped way care, but it's actually feeding into the dynamics. So healthy, secure relationship, attachment styles don't do the chasing. So unfortunately, it might seem like we want it and it's a nice thing to be chased. It's feeding into this dysregulated state pattern. So I mean, I think I did that as well, I can't sort of remember trying to get them to chase me, because my self worth was so low, I didn't ever think that they would chase me, it was just sort of leave. flight response as well can show up as when you break up with someone wanting to break up with them first, so they don't hurt you. And then also, if you block people, so you're too scared of the interaction, you want to end it completely. And with a finite end, blocking is a sign of the flight response as well. One thing I'd also do all the time is I would always go around to my boyfriend's house, and I'd use the excuse like I like a change of scenery, or your places bigger, when actually it was so they weren't mine, and I was trapped with them. If I was at theirs, I could run away whenever I wanted or needed to or felt uncomfortable threatened, stuff like that. So have a look in your own life, like does this show up? This was a huge one for me. And yeah, I didn't realise I joined the dots until I found this as well. I would also be incredibly scared of emails and phone calls. I don't know why where that came from us trying to think back to the I mean, I used to get nasty emails from my dad when were in a bad state. And then I guess anything from work. I always felt like they were going to send an email saying I'd done something wrong, I was in trouble I was going to be fired. So that would put me into a heightened state of panic and fear and flight, not answering the phone. absolute mess when you want to listen to a voicemail, pick up the phone, read an email, all of that stuff. It's all flight response, then a yes, within arguments, the secure relationship style, you can take a break, take a 10 minute go outside, look into the distance, do some deep breathing, recalibrate yourself, reset yourself. But then you reengage and have another go at trying to work through the argument. Whereas the flight response is just you're gone. You know, there's this kind of a vindictive quality to it of like you're protecting yourself, but you're also trying to punish the other person by running away. Oh, one other thing I did in Edinburgh and also in Southampton, when I was living there is I wanted to be around people but I didn't want to engage with them. So I would not want to be at home as well because I was hiding from my flatmates or whatever so I'd go and hide in the dark in the cinema during the day and watch a film. So I'd watch a film with a whole bunch of sweets lollies and everything get a sugar high but I was cocooned in the darkness. I felt safe and I didn't need to run from any One, I was hiding, lots of hiding. And this is tied into another blog and podcast I wrote about how what we're watching with films can feed into our memories, our thoughts. And at that stage, I was watching a lot of horror films which feed into the fear. So I remember one night, especially my mom had just moved into this cottage in the countryside, gorgeous area, not a not a high crime area at all. But it was an old cottage and it just had like a sort of a picket fence, no lock on the gate, just a normal front door lock. It I think they were single glazed windows at that point with just normal locks on them. And I was there by myself was she'd only just moved into the boxes everywhere. But I remember lying in bed, in an absolute panic convinced that a burglar was going to break in, convinced that I was going to be attacked, I was going to hear a window smash or door unlock, you know, be broken into. And I just remember my heart rate was probably about 160 beats per minute for over two hours. And I don't, you can't go to sleep like that. And I don't know what I was thinking or doing. But I had no clue that this was not normal. That there was a way I could regulate my nervous system that this was a trauma response that I was practising almost on a daily basis. And that actually showed up as well on my sister was like that as well. It's like this, trying to protect trying to lock all the doors, my sister always had this fear of security and safety, not wanting any windows by the front door. Wanted, she closed the curtains really early on all the time and wanted to have big gates everywhere. And being able to lock the front door lock the gates, not people not to be able to see in that part of the flight response as well. So I just wanted to let you know, and kind of share those responses that I had. And how did I stop? I guess that's where we go next. It's like how do we move out of those nervous system responses. And I think we can't just remove something, you know, you have to replace it, whether it's a memory, a habit, a thought, a feeling, we can't just leave empty space. So the one of the main things I did actually was stop watching all the horror movies and not let myself feed that addiction of the fight or flight and the fear. And then it just started with all the work with psychologists, therapists, life coaches, increasing my understanding of self self worth looking after myself being kind to myself, and then that mirrors in your conduct to other people as well. And then more recently, understanding how important the body the body is, in looking after yourself. It's not just the mind, like when we're in a trauma response, a fight or flight, you can't cognitively think you can't think clearly. So that's when you need to start with a bottom up approach, you need a body based approach to get you out of the trauma response in that acute moment. So when I work with women, and how I managed to change myself was having the strategies for those in the moment angry run away scared moments of how to ground myself, again how to rebalance. And then and then normally quite quick, like less than 10 minutes. And then outside of those weren't, I wasn't in a complete panic. There were many habits and thought rewiring processes that I put into place. So you're kind of that's the practising for the battle. So you're learning how to stop these massive peaks and troughs, you know, sort of like you know, a line like zigzagging like a lie detector kind of screen, you want us be able to stop that from happening with your nervous system. And there's the tools and the strategies from the mind and from the body. And those paired together. create massive change. And I promise you it's possible. I promise you if there's if anyone can create the same amount of change that I have when it came to the just chronic fight or flight that I used to live in, and I'm not in it now it's possible for you to so let Me know, send me a message on my Instagram Chloe Graham official, or on my website, Chloe Graham mindset coach.com. And I would love to hear your stories or whether you could pick up another situation or another way where you've struggled with this or you've gone, oh my god, Chloe, I didn't know that was part of the flight response, I would really really love to hear from you hear your stories. And if you do want help with this reach out, I have a lot of experience with this, as you can see just from my life alone, let alone any of my clients that I've worked with. So I hope this has been helpful. I hope you can take something away from it. And I look forward to hearing from you. And once again, I am so happy that I'm back. And I have a working mic again and I can come back to more regular recording of podcasts. I do actually love doing this. Hence why I started. There was no force behind it. It was just overcoming the imposter syndrome and going. I want to do this and I'm okay with being a beginner and not getting it perfect, but massive hugs to you. Thank you so much for listening from the bottom of my heart and I look forward to talking to you again soon.