Episode 7 Shadow work, human design and my know it all thinking

Confession:

I realised yesterday morning I can be a know it all at times.   How did I find it? What happened? How am I going to fix it? Should I fix it?  What does Human Design have to do with know it all thinking?!  Listen to find your shadows and laugh at mine. 

www.chloegrahammindsetcoach.com
Instagram @bechloebeyou

Transcript

0:00

Hello, welcome back today is about shadow work a little bit about human design, and know it all thinking, oh yeah, we're going to the big stuff okay, I'm going to try and not make this too heavy, because I went through some heavy stuff, I'm not going to lie over the weekend. And I get a little bit nervous talking about this, because the thing is like, healing is the most rewarding, amazing thing that you could do for yourself. And I think people kind of fall into two camps, or maybe it's the black and white, thick black and white thinking equivalent of healing, it's like, it's going to be all amazing. And I'm going to be really happy and life's gonna be great. And you kind of paint yourself as the hero and you know, you've got your sword and you're beating everyone, ie, the shadows of yourself. Or you go into the victim mentality of it's too hard, it's too horrible, it's gonna hurt too much. I'm scared of it. So it's not for me. And like, everything that's black and white thinking is just holding us back. And as you go through this, especially if you have a coach to guide you, you learn to not Chuck yourself in at the deep end, you learn that the kind of the coach will help you awaken to this stuff in a way where it's not going to overwhelm you. And then as you get better, as your resilient resilience and your strength, and your emotional control, regulation, maturity increases, you can have a you can go I can't talk this morning, you can carry and deal with the heavy weighted stuff. Your coach can be more direct with you. That's what a good coaches, they will wait the work, the conversation, depending on where you are in your journey. And so because I've been at this for a while, I can go quite deep into it. And take tackle some really big heavy, heavy stuff, and not completely fall apart, not self sabotage myself into oblivion, not play the victim and wallow on the couch kind of thing. Do you know what I mean? This, there's a beautiful weight and journey to be had. And you can do it in a healthy way. Actually, side note, one time where I wasn't ready 2019 I had bad I wanted some financial advice. And I found this guy through Google and we met up for chat to see if we'd be a good fit. And he kind of talked me out of getting financial advice. He was like, actually, you're fine. It was really bizarre. And then he had studied psychology. And he's like, I'd actually just like to mentor you, you for free. He never talked about a cost. And so we'd meet up for coffees in the lobby of a business block. And we talk for a couple hours. And unfortunately, he had the best intentions but without the skill level or aren't truly understanding who he was helping. He basically said that I was too focused on achievement. And that everything I'd done that was towards achievement was a bad idea. And I went down this nihilistic journey of what's the point in anything and actually really screwed me up. I was sitting on the sofa, stop going to jujitsu stopped moving, doing anything, lost my zest for life for about a month. I remember that. Now. Gosh, that was not fun. So then in 2019, that's three years of growth on top of that, that I have the strength and being able to kind of zoom out and look at what I'm being taught the lesson that I've been given and not take it in a negative light, if that makes sense. So why are we here today and why am I choosing to talk about shadow work? Well, to be completely honest, I had a couple of situations happen, one on Friday, two on Saturday, and it really made me go into a deep sense of self reflection. On Saturday. I had been mostly on Sunday, that's when I kind of had the breakthroughs and what I want to talk about this today. And I some seriously cool stuff that came up. I, I love learning, you know that about me. And I get super excited when I find something new. And I've done about, I'd say 10 hours in the last five days on human design stuff, I'm fascinated by it, because just the spooky, incredible lightning comments it has about you as a person. And like, that is so me in the lightness and the darkness. It's just wow. So on Friday, I ended up having an argument. And it really upset me with someone I care about deeply. And I think it upset me as well, because I could see my faults in the argument as well as theirs. And it was one of those ones where you you're like, Why did I do that? Why am I self imploding this relationship with this person. And then also, the second one was being fixed and closed minded when I pride myself for not being that. So having that conversation and then feeling the guilt and shame afterwards for it, of not willing to listen properly or be open minded or just dogmatic in my view. And I don't know why. So, Sunday morning, I sat down. And I touched on a post on Shadow Work on the SAT there on a Saturday morning, and then I went heavy into it on the Sunday morning. So I just I don't know how much you know about shadow work, I don't know whether you're interested in it. But for me, and if you are keep listening, because we're going to talk about it and how we find our shadow. So basically, it's a psychological term for everything we can't see in ourselves. And it's along the lines of sort of people pleasing and how we want to come across to our friends, family, society at large, you know, work colleagues, everything. It's like how we go to great lengths to sort of protect our self image from anything unflattering or unfamiliar. And I think that's why we get so embarrassed sometimes. And also why we judge others. So again, not being able to see in ourselves, so we can see it and other people and we judge them for it. But we don't know our own shadow. And everyone has this, no one can hide from it, it's but learning how to understand it, and then tweak how you talk and act will give you so much more peace. It's not even funny. Like the piece that I've got now this morning, being able to sit down with you on a Monday morning, having gone deep into the work and the healing by myself on Sunday and chatting to a friend. I'm so thankful for it. I'm so thankful for the lesson. It's the dark side of our personality because it's all sort of primitive, negative human human emotions and impulses like rage, power, desire, selfishness, greed, envy. I did actually, as a side note, Google, like the seven deadly sins, and I guess kind of it is that but not quite. So what we You denied yourself, like you refuse to believe that you're rude or close minded, selfish. Anything that becomes our shadow. So anything we choose not to accept with our chosen consciousness, we kind of push to this dark side, and this disowned self. So they're in there, they're there in our unconscious, was trying to hide it, we can't just shove it deep enough in a bag or under the carpet where it will never see the light of day it actually affects our everyday actions because of it. And so we can either choose to embrace it and work with it and accept ourselves wholly you know, when it comes to sort of self worth, we can kind of say, well, if I'm rude, then I'm not worthy of love, or you know, I don't have I'm lazy so I don't have the perfect finger. So therefore I'm not going to be loved. It's about being able to accept the whole of you just as you are uniquely you and also with your unique shadow. And it's tough. It'll take a while and I'm still going through it now because I'm going to share with you a little a little bit this kind of questions or quiz that you can do to find your shadow and give me a fright doing it. So, when we have this shadow, we're going to react badly to stuff if we don't let it out. And so when, like I was saying, when you get irritated when someone is rude to you, it's a good bet that basically you haven't owned your own rudeness because you think it's bad and you just deny it in yourself. But if you can go through this shadow work, Carl Jung's got a huge body of work on it. And he was saying basically, that you'll get five things from it, you'll improve your relationships. Because you become more grounded, you become more human, you're not this esoteric, amazing, godly creature that you don't have any bad qualities and you never fuck up or anything like that. You can embrace your fuck ups and your darker sides and kind of not just allow yourself I'm not saying allow yourself to be rude in conversations, I'm just meaning like, you accept that it's a part of you. And then also you don't get triggered. So relationships become better. You you can have more compassion, humility, empathy, and the other people that you're around, you have a clearer perception. You being, you won't perceive yourself as being too big or too small, you're just self aware. And you can just be in the grey. When you're quiet, you're constantly not exhausted by hiding it as well, you've got more energy, and you're more mature, you're got greater creativity. So disclaimer, before we go into these questions. Ask yourself and pause and stop the podcast if you don't want to go into it, because you need to have the self compassion and kindness to be able to do this deep work. So pause now come back to this podcast if you're not keen to do it now. Otherwise, keep listening. And I'll just take I'll walk you through what I did. Part of it over the weekend. Before you start, you've got to send to yourself. If you go into your shadow self work, when you're not centred, you won't get constructive results, you'll get your inner critic and you'll just be in an absolute judgmental, critical, confusing mess. So maybe do a meditation, do some self love affirmations have some nice music on lighter candle. Make sure you're in a calm and clear space. You can put your hands on your heart and say, you know, I love you. I'm here, you're in a safe space. Okay, so why don't we do this, there are a few ways we can do it. One of them is just to start witnessing what irritates you as Jung said, like everything that irritates us about others can lead to an understanding of ourselves. So pay attention to your behaviour and your emotions, what you judge in other people like oh my goodness, the biggest things that I judged, it gives you a break from judging yourself. So we do it because we're sick of judging ourselves about it subconsciously. So when I was desperately unhappy with the way I looked desperately unhappy with my figure, and my weight, all I did was judge other people. Despite the vitriol, the hatred, which is obviously why I used to hate myself, because I was doing this to other people, listening to myself, do it to other people, and just hating myself. So I would judge anyone, like if they're going for a run, and they weren't a size, nothing amazing fit. Goddess, I'd be like, Oh, she doesn't have a good figure or something like that. And I know that sounds horrific even admitting that to you now. But I want to be real and honest and share my journey of transformation. So what I used to judge I used to be nasty about people because I was nasty to myself. And now I make a conscious effort. And it's become second nature now that every time I see a woman running down the street, no matter what she looks like, no matter what, how fast, she's running, how fit she looks, I just send her a beam of love. And just say to her, You go girl. Because I no longer hate myself, I no longer hate myself, which then translates into hating other people. So don't worry about that. The other thing that you can do is, and actually what this was quite fascinating, so this is quite confronting, but I want you to list your five best qualities. And this is what I did. This is the biggest sort of illuminating thing that I found this week, and then this will lead into the other part of the podcast topic. So I was I listed my five things actually. Pause now. If you want to do it, it'll be more powerful if you can pause, have a really good think. Write down your five best qualities. Okay, if your back fantastic mine I'll share with you is like I said I was brave, kind, inquisitive and confident they just switched a little bit. So the way you find your shadow and this, this was really interesting, the way you find your shadow is you're the opposite of those five qualities. So for me being brave, was being fearful. So what am I denying in myself that I'm scared of, and it could be something huge, like dying or getting sick or losing someone or whatever. So if you identify as brave, your shadow is fearful, if mine was kind, and my shadow is being mean, or nasty, and I just shared that I used to be that in myself. And if I'm to take shadow work, it means it's still there. So I can't deny it in myself. It is a part of me. But it's learning how to work with our shadow. And I'll do that in a different podcast in order to become something up levelled and more amazing. And then inquisitive. This was the big one that hit home. So inquisitive and confident, I'll do this together. And then I started going, so the opposite of inquisitive, where maybe would be interrupting or asking too many questions, and confident could become arrogance. And after the conversations I've had over the weekend, I kind of had a lightning bolt moment of actually I'm a know it all at the moment. And that is so painful to say. And I have been eating humble pie, but also being kind to myself, because I am so god damn passionate about this work about helping women release the trauma and the hatred and the vitriol that they give to themselves like I did, and being able to move into this far more authentic, peaceful, joyful life where you don't have the racing mind, you don't have the chronic anxiety, you don't get scared, or angry all day every day. But then the shadow side of that is sometimes it's it just seeps into my every part of my life, into my relationship with my partner into my friendships. And when I was obviously feeling insecure, or something came up at the weekend, and it translated into and then I could see the evidence of it building that I have become a No at all. So let's talk through that. I don't know if you can relate, but it comes from feeling insecure. So whether it's a need for validation, constantly striving for improvement, or which could explain the shadow of the superior dominating personality trait to other ways one that isn't me you were treated as a golden child and no one had ever disagreed with you. So that will when you become an adult and people start disagreeing with you, you're like what on earth is this or it could be the unnoticed or neglected child in the family. So you have to compete for attention and over competitive and you want to be seen as knowledgeable valuable and everything and that can come across in the wrong way as being a know it all. So you can still be you you can still have this desire to learn and connect but knowing how to do it the more affiliative nice way where you're not actually creating a wall or people not liking your message because of the way you're doing it. So I know I have a good message to give. I know that I can help people but I've got to be more consciously aware of the aspects of being a know it all. So I had I spent some time reading about it yesterday and basically one of the big things is sort of wait before responding to people like I'm a Scorpio and I'm really sort of impulsive and passionate and excited. But if you want to sort of say Yeah, me too me too. I agree with you. You can do that without jumping all over them budding into the story of your own or whatever. So just for me I'm going to take from this is like I can be excited and enjoy and enjoy their conversation without having to butt in The other thing that I really needed to hear on Saturday when I was not representing my best self is if you're allowed to say disagree, but rather than saying that's wrong, or that's a definite, you know, again, insecure coming into the black and white thinking world, start phrases like I believe I've heard or perhaps when it comes to a statement, and try to sort of minimise, actually or I think you'll find because that sounds condescending as fuck, no, thank you. My dad used to be a bit patronising and condescending to me. And again, with love, I know it came from a deep sense of programming and lack of work on his part. So the hatreds gone there, but you can pick up on your parents habits and unconsciously take them within you into adult life. So not butting in reminding yourself of your worth, like, you're there, you're in the conversation, you don't need to force there's no force that you don't need to force that you're there. And also, another thing that I really are not good at is like, let others be wrong. Like, you may know 100% That they're wrong. Like, I've done this as well recently, like, or a word they've used is wrong or whatever, like, Who gives a fuck? Do they actually want to be career corrected? Do they care about what you're going to correct them on? Might have a think, is what I'm going to say create a bond or a disconnect? Do they actually care about what I want to say or share? Or you know what I mean? So if you do disagree, and you want to ask them, the last thing is sort of what makes you say that? Have you thought about have you accounted for or what about a really good phrases to use, and you could write those down if you're not that practised and using them. And the big one, admit it when you're wrong. God, I used to be her replicat saying, Sorry, I'm remembering this now. Just this fear of, you know, my strength of not being able to be kind, gentle, soft, brick walls up. And yeah, add to that, definitely the fact that I could not say sorry, or sales wrong, or you were right, and just being able to fill yourself with humility and respect for other people like wow. Yeah, the best thing, and then I'll finish up with the human design aspect to this because I think it's fascinating. So shadow work, being kind of my journey for the next way while is to stop being a know it all stop correcting people or letting my beliefs on philosophy or psychology, methods for healing are not going to believe that they're the only way or push them just because I highly respect a psychologist and I've seen the results in myself. So yes, the last bit my human design north node basically is your spiritual life lesson, the keys to happiness or fulfilment. And I read this morning, and I had already decided over the weekend that being a know it all was just something that I needed to work on and was part of my shadow. And what a way I was massively representing myself and then getting sad myself for doing it. So my north node is in Gemini and basically, this means that my journey, my spiritual life lesson, the key to happiness and fulfilment, a journey from zealotry to curiosity. So I've embrace connecting to the community, critical thinking, opening to new possibilities and experiences, tactful and thoughtful communication, empathy, logic, and nurturing my sense of curiosity. And here we go. My goodness, release. Rigid thinking about philosophies or ideas. zealotry speaking without thinking, opinionated. Know It All attitude, and irresponsible spontaneity. Like if there wasn't a song someone is cutting the lawn outside. I'm so mad. Recording this could open doors. Yeah, but I'm shut but I'm really sorry if you can hear that. Finished. But holy cow release. Nobody will attitude, opinionated, irresponsible spontaneity, if that's not a journey into human design, but it is the most incredibly powerful thing towards knowing how to guide ourselves through this life. I don't know what is so I hope you got something out of this. If you would like to reach out and do some shadow work with me, we can do it together, I can help you stay kind to yourself while you're doing it, I can help you get grounded. I can help you find them without punishing yourself into oblivion oblivion. If you want to know a bit about human design, I'm a beginner on this now, but it is fascinating me and I can show you the resources that I use to find this what I've found out so far and how incredibly powerful it is. And then also if you're also feeling like you're a No at all, and you want to just talk to me, send me a DM on Instagram, be Chloe be you and or comment on the podcast or whatever I don't mind. Or we can just have a laugh about ourselves. Because that's it isn't it is like I found this. And I'm not going to go through my day being cross and angry at myself for doing this. I found it and found it pretty quickly after that. So those horrible things that happened over the weekend, can now be the most beautiful lesson and growth for me now. And I can pick up this noble stuff. I know it's coming from a place of love and excitement into this world that I love. But I can No I can channel it better. So I'll update you has as I go. But yeah, thank you for listening. Thank you for your time. I hope you're having a kind healing journey if you're on one. And I hope you're balancing the heaviness of the work you're doing with what you are, what stage you're at, because that is the key to doing it and finding the trauma and being able to carry the weight of it. And if you're doing any of this work, if you are stepping one step up the mountain at a time to becoming your best self. I am honouring you. I'm proud of you. I'm amazed by you. And I wish you all the luck in the world when you're going on this journey. We're all here for the sisterhood of people that are on this are beacons of light. And I wish you so much love sending you a massive hug. Feel it through the podcast pretty hands on your heart. You're amazing. And let's say together now. I'm proud of you, babe. See you next week.